The Fresh Prodigal

**Here's the Prodigal Son Skit that Mary and I wrote for this past LOG retreat.  Enjoy!**

Now this is the story all about how God’s love turns our lives right-side-out

Now we’d like to take a minute – just sit right there –

We’ll tell you how a prodigal son can become God’s heir.

In West Philadelphia, born and raised, 4 sisters, 1 brother, and a mother named “May”

Chillin’ out, maxin’ relaxin’ all cool was all that this prodigal wanted to do,

While his siblings, they rapped – they were totally good! – at entertaining all the people in the neighborhood.

Then it happened one night and he said, “That’s it! I’ve had it, I’m outie!  I’m done with this –

WHAT??

He went up to his dad and when he got near he said, “Hold up! –

I’m gonna let you finish – Beyonce had the best music video of all time.  All time.

He went up to his dad and when he got near he said,

“I got something that I want you to hear

I can’t stick around, I gotta get out –

Gotta go live my life:

“I’m an aduuuuuult, Maaan.

You can’t make me do my chores, Daaaaad”

So Dad gave him his cash, and with it in hand

He set out to discover a brand new land

He walked for days and all through the nights

To an interesting place with some unusual sights

When a stranger appeared who was up to no good

And he showed the prodigal around the neighborhood

But the prodigal, you see, just really didn’t know

That the stranger was only after one thing:

His dough.

He said, “Come chill with me, cuz I know a guy

He can hook us up with chicks and he’s got stuff we can buy.

Get your money in your hand, he lives on this boat.

We can do a bit of business while we’re afloat.

“I’m on a boat, everybody, take a look at me!

Straight flowing on a boat on the deep blue sea.”

“Look at this sucker, paying for my dope

He thinks we all fly, cuz we on a boat!

Look at this guy, he’s such a tool…

Buying all this stuff, just cuz I say it’s cool.”

“I got my swim trunks, and my flippie-floppies

My new BFF beside me, who likes me for me.”

Unfortunately, the Prodigal’s money ran out.

His friend whistled for a cab and when it came near,

The license plate said “LOSER” and had a dice in the mirror!

When the prodigal asked why he couldn’t come, too,

“You ran out of cash, fool. I’m done with you.”

He wanted to be a billionare so freaking bad, but he ran out of Kesha.

He didn’t even have Fiddy Cent.

How could he buy any good food, like Black-Eyed Peas?

It was Ludacris, he should just Usher himself on home.

He needs to Beyonce out of there.

He should have Rihanna home.

We should probably keep going with the story.

What about Eminem?

I got some right here. It’s a Tupac.

He looked for a job, but there was none to be found.

Except for one – taking care of pigs and sleeping on the ground.

He was pretty bummed out, all he did was cry and

pretend that airplanes were shooting stars through the night sky.

I could really use a wish right now, a wish right now, a wish right now.

He came to himself and he finally said,

“It’s against heaven and my father that I have sinned.

I gotta go home, and ask my dad

If maybe he’ll let me stay in his pad…As a servant.”

So he stood up and wiped all the dust and grime

Off himself and he made it to his home in good time.

He paused just a second, just to get up the guts

To say sorry to his dad for acting so nuts.

But before he could even open up the gate,

His father ran out yelling, “This is great!

Here you’re alive when I thought you were dead,

Take my shoes and put them on, put my hat upon your head!”

His father  made a call to all the peeps in the town

and he told them of the party that was bout to go down

there was gonna be cake and some dancing so fly

we’re all gonna party like it’s 1999.

Streamers on the windooooows! Streamers on the wall!

Balloons linin up the hall

All us havin a ball

Broooooother sisters mother fatheeeeer

Everybody in the town GET DOWN!

Brrrrum dum don bob u bob a do dum (X2)

Now everyone danced: father, sisters, and May

But big brother didn’t want to celebrate.

He thought to himself, “This just isn’t fair!

While he was living large I was hip-hoppin  here.

I was working and slaving, doing whatever Dad asked,

I was the perfect son but now he’s putting me last.

I don’t want to dance!  I don’t want to eat!

I want everyone to celebrate just for me!”

Now the father did try to explain to this kid

That a father’s love means that he will always give

Forgiveness to those kids who wander or stray

He will love all his children to his dying day.

Brother didn’t understand what the party was about

He chose to step aside and he chose to pout.

And while he was thinking that this party was lame

Errbody in the club all sang 

“Just. Like. Old times,

You are back again.

You’re alive!

Just. Like. Old times,,

You are back again.

You’re alive!”

Photos by Paul Wintz

"Cat! It's So Fat!"

Last night I fell in love.  It wasn't with a person.  It wasn't with a pair of shoes or amazing sweater.  It was with a Christmas tree. 

Last night Cat and I decided we needed to get a Christmas tree.  Now, we don't have enough space in our apartment to get a normal-sized tree, and we really don't have the money to buy anything bigger than a few feet tall.  So we made our way to the Home Depot to find a little, Charlie Brown Christmas tree.  We walked in and looked around for a second or two before I saw the sign that said, Noble Firs, 3-5 ft, $19.99.

"That's us, Cat," I said.  "Right within our price range."  We walked over to the small trees and I started laughing.  "They're so little!"  There were only a few, and I picked up the one closest to me while Cat poked around the others.  "Oh. My. Gosh. Cat!  It's so fat!!"  She looked up and started laughing.  "What?" 

"Your face," she laughed.  "You're just so excited!"

It was true.  My jaw had dropped and my eyes were huge.  Even though I was holding the tree up I was bouncing up and down in excitement.  "I love it!  It's so fat!"

The clerk came over to us.  "You guys want to look at it?  I can hold it if you want me to." 

I handed it to her and started skipping around the tree.  "I love it!"

Now the clerk started laughing.  "You're so excited!  You're making me excited!"

I laughed.  "I'm sorry!  I just love Christmas so much!  And I love this tree.  It's so fat!!" 

Both Cat and the clerk laughed.  I looked at Cat and clasped my hands under my chin.  "Please can we get it?  It's so fat!"

She nodded.  "I guess so, if you really want it." 

"Cat?  How can I not want it?  It's so fat!" 

We paid (the clerk was still laughing at me) and took the little, fat tree to the get a fresh cut on it's trunk.  The tree was so short and light that the guy who was cutting the trunk had to keep stopping and resetting the tree.  (The tree ended up with a very lopsided trunk as a result.)  I was so excited.  The whole time he was cutting the tree I was jumping up and down and yelling, "Cat!  It's so fat!"  I was doing a little dance, and as I glanced over toward the first clerk who helped us, I saw her laughing again.  At that moment the little tree almost fell off the table.  I lurched toward it and Cat laughed as I reached my hand out, as if to catch it.  Luckily the tree didn't fall, and I began dancing again.  I turned to Cat.  "It is a bad thing that I've already named it 'Norbert'?" I asked. 

After the bottom was cut it was time to wrap Norbert in netting so he would fit in the backseat of my car.  Orion (yeah, that was really the name of the guy who was wielding the chainsaw) grabbed Norbert and went to throw it through the net-wrapping-contraption.  Norbert was so fat he didn't make it through on the first try.  "Norbert!" I yelled as he crashed to the ground.  (Speaking of "ground," Cat was pretty much on the ground laughing at this point.)  Orion looked at me - was that fear I saw in his eyes? - and grabbed Norbert off the ground and shoved him through the contraption.  He came out the other end wrapped tightly and Orion handed it to me.  "Thanks!" I chirped as I grabbed my fat Christmas tree and began to head toward the car. 

"You, uh...You guys need any help taking it to the car?" Orion asked.

Cat and I looked at each other, then shook our heads.  "No thanks," Cat said.  "Our car is just right here."  Orion nodded and heaved a sigh of relief.

I opened the back door of my car and gently heaved Norbert in.  "Oh no!  Cat!  The door won't shut!"

"Can you scoot it in any further?"

I reached my hand in and scooted Norbert as far over as I could.  "Let go of me, Norbert!" I yelled.  My hand had caught on both a tree limb and the netting.  I yanked and finally freed my hand.  I closed the door and skipped over to the driver's seat. 

After we drove home I grabbed Norbert, the Noble Fir, out of the back of my car and hauled him up the stairs.  When I reached the front door I had to stop.  "Cat!  We can't both fit through the door!"  It was true: the tree was too fat to fit through the door with me, even wrapped up.  I had to shove Norbert through the doorway first, and then follow. 




Norbert - Wrapped up and put on my desk.

  After wrestling him into the stand we pulled Norbert inside and put him on the desk in the living room.  After spinning him around a few times we finally decided he was placed just right and cut the netting off.

"Oh my gosh, Steph!" Cat yelled.  "It's so fat!  Norbert is so fat!"

Norbert - Unwrapped

After sitting back and admiring Norbert for a while we pulled out the Christmas lights.  Norbert needed some decking.  So, we wrapped a single strand of lights around him (I was a little afraid it would take 2...he's just so fat!) and laughed together.

Norbert - With lights!



"He's just so fat!" we said. 

It's true...And it makes me happy every time I see it.