It's been a while. I haven't had time to write, or if I have had some time I haven't wanted to. How horribly childish of me, not doing something because I simply don't feel like it.
Things haven't been particularly easy lately. Between getting in a (minor) car accident and having to deal with the hospital, insurance, and a totalled car and working at a job that I am becoming less happy with by the second, I have found myself spending more time in daydreams than in the real world. Which isn't quite fair, to be honest. A lot of good things have happened lately. I wasn't seriously injured in the car accident. My brother and sister-in-law graciously lent me their car to drive around while we wait for the verdict on mine. I am the excited auntie of 2 newborns - Michael Jonathan and Lucy Rose - who are both so beautiful it hurts. I've started working out again (finally). I have made the decision to go back to school in the fall and pursue a different line of work altogether.
Many, many good things have been happening.
It's no secret that I adore all things Disney. My latest love has been, unsurprisingly, Tangled. Now, if you have about an hour and a half I can tell you some of the reasons why I love the movie, but for the sake of time I will just mention one: I love the music. I have the soundtrack and have been flip-flopping between it and the Bruno Mars CD for about a month, now. The other day I was singing along and - to my complete surprise - I started crying. I laughed at myself for being a sap, and went about the rest of my day. When I got back in the car that evening and started singing along I cried again. And again the next day, and the next, until finally I got tired of crying and changed back to Bruno. Obviously I was curious as to why I cried. And one afternoon after a particularly trying work situation I realized what it was: Rapunzel asks this question: "When will my life begin?"
I have always asked myself that question. I have always felt as though right now I am idling - warming up the car, if you will - and when I finally meet that Someone I will be ready to start the journey. Life will begin. Gosh, how embarrassing to see that written on the screen. But as much as I know it isn't true, as many times as Mimi told me to disregard the song "You're Nobody Till Somebody Loves You," I haven't quite bought into it.
There is a part of me that is missing. It's hard to describe - it isn't a part of me that is necessary for survival, but I feel its blankness. And as much as I hate to admit it I lie in bed at night and stare at the moon and feel so lonely I ache. I've always felt that loneliness is the trickiest emotion. I fully believe that we, as humans, are never truly alone, yet we can be tricked into believing we are. And romantic loneliness - that's the worst kind. With other types I can pray, call a friend, send a text. I feel better for a while and eventually the ickiness goes away. But with this, the knowledge that I am by myself in my twin bed, that my entire body is crying out to be held and hugged and cherished, takes over and that missing piece of me starts to throb. I watch as family and friends celebrate joyful events in their lives - their little families are growing - and feel such extreme joy for them until the lights turn off. Suddenly their joy is a strange mirror, showing me what I don't have. Luckily, with the rising of the sun the mirror hides and I feel only the joy again.
It's amazing what the sun can make clear. When I finally admitted to myself that I have been waiting for life to begin instead of actually living it my eyes were opened to a lot. I have built myself a tower and trapped myself in it. I have been involved with kids in some way since I was 15 (well, younger, really, but for our purposes we'll just say 15). I am good at working with kids. I get kids. And I love them: I have a heart for the little ones. But with each job in childcare, teaching, whatever, I have put another brick into building my tower. And suddenly I looked out from this confining, if somewhat comfortable, place and realized that while I have wanted to try something else for years I have been too afraid. I've been afraid to leave the tower. After I'm married, I've thought, when there will be someone to catch me if I fall.
Maybe I don't have Flynn Rider as a guide to my world outside the tower, but I am going to leave it regardless. It's possible that I'll fall flat on my face. But really, I've got my family keeping me upright. I have my friends catching me when I trip. And maybe my life isn't what I was hoping it would be at this point. But it's life. And life is for living. Life is for grabbing with two hands and getting what you can out of it, while still giving what you can into it and other people, until we come to our next Life. I am not going to say I won't be lonely, I can feel the familar ache beginning now as I start to think about getting ready for bed, but at least I won't be thinking the car is idling when really it's on the move.
I'm going to be the pot calling the kettle black, but your cousin is officially giving you permission to NOT FEEL GUILTY when you have a bad day. Cry, scream, wallow for a bit. I was moved to tears when I read this post (and have been trying ever since to get back and comment!) because I feel the same way. Why, you ask? Because my tower is built of laundry, dishes, and runny noses. Because I get SO TIRED of trying to get out with my boys because between meals, snacks and naps (or lack thereof) it never seems to be a good time. So I give up. I hide. I tell myself that people don't miss me anyway, so why should I bother trying to get out and socialize? Never mind the fact that until a year ago I've been an extremely social person. Never mind that the loneliness I feel in the middle of my domestic duties is the worst I've ever felt. I allow Satan to convince me that no one every calls, texts, emails or Facebook's "HI" because they honestly don't care. I don't cross their mind. I am not important to those living outside the walls of my little home.
ReplyDeleteWith all my heart I wish for you all of your dreams. You deserve a man who sees how amazing you are, and loves you for all the times you aren't. It WILL happen. It has to be hard to have family who have married young. I don't know why some are young and some are older, but I keep telling myself God does have a plan. I say that and almost laugh. If someone were to tell me those words, I'd want to smack them, because while I don't doubt it, it doesn't exactly fix my situation. ;-)
And while having a husband is an amazing safety net, you have people now who will catch you. You may not think I'm in that list, since we've never really been close, but if you were to call on me, I'd be there. (At least emotionally- physically it's a tad expensive!) All of your friends and family love you more fiercely than you can imagine, Stephanie.
Oh, and now I really want to see "Tangled"! ;-)