An Un-Love Letter

Dear Guy Outside of Starbucks,

You may think you are really cool, but I have some news for you.  Sitting down at a table already occupied by two girls and announcing your presence by saying, "Okay.  Girl talk.  Let's go." doesn't really endear you to them.  It actually makes them wonder - if only for a moment - whether or not you are gay.

When, after that moment of wonder, they decide you are not, in fact, gay, the annoyance of a jerk disrupting their one-on-one time - of which they get little - begins to set in.  When they sit back in their chairs and cross their arms across their chest while mimicking your mocking tone it is not an invitation to keep talking.  It is a subtle 'girl hint' to move on with your morning.

When you begin to turn the conversation toward evangelizing ("I just got back from church...all condescending because I have a relationship with God?") and your targets inform you of their own relationship with God, and that they do attend church on a regular basis, I don't think that paves the way for the 'pick-up' conversation.  Really.  It is confusing and annoying.

When one of the girls tells you she has a boyfriend and you announce, "I can't talk to you anymore," but then in the next breath tell her about your baby and how beautiful she is and that you make beautiful babies, well, don't follow it with, "You should remember that when your boyfriend dumps you."  Believe it or not, insulting someone is not a way to get them to go out with you.

And when one of the girls calls you out on your lameness, throwing a piece of trash at her and telling her to stop talking does not make you seem less lame.  In fact, I think I can safely say it increases the level of douche-baggery that comes across.

Was it strangely entertaining to talk to you?  Yeah...If "entertaining" means being annoyed by the weird guy who would make an interesting foil to a protagonist in a story.  Sure.  It was strangely entertainng to talk to you.  Do I ever want to see you again?  No.  You give off very untrustworthy vibes: never taking off your sunglasses, talking crap about your ex, that mean, disdainful tone of voice you used.  I appreciate the character inspiration, but apart from that I never need to see you again.

Oh yeah!  One more thing.  Don't pick up a stranger's coffee cup - especially if the stranger is a girl.  It's just creepy, and it ruined a perfectly good cup of coffee.

Sincerely,

Steph