Monday, September 24, 2012

Small Enough

My heart is heavy.
 
Truly, I look around, and it seems that everywhere I turn I see pain.  Sorrow.  Hurt.  Anger.  Grief.  Lots and lots of grief.
 
It's been like this for a while, too.  I was anxious for summer to end this year, which is unusual for me.  But for some reason I told myself that if summer would just be done, all the heaviness and sadness would be done, too.
 
I'm tempted to say that it seems senseless, even though I have seen God moving through this time.  He is moving slowly, quietly, more like a mist than a strong force.  But, being human and oh-so-doubtful, I still find myself demanding answers of Him.  Why? I ask (not very nicely, either).  Why are people we love being taken from us?  Why can't my brother find a job?  Why are the people I love hurting so much?  Why did You give joy and anticipation only to take it away?  Why the loneliness?  Why the constant struggle just to make ends meet?  And cancer.  What the heck?  Cancer.  Cancer.  Cancer.  Why?  Why?  Why? 
 
I thought to myself today that I was just ready for something joyful.  And then immediately I felt ashamed of myself.  I needed to quiet myself, and to pay attention to the mist I am seeing moving, even through the sorrow.  But tonight I'm not sure I'm there.  Tonight I am not sure I can put the positive spin on it.  Tonight I want to cry out, "my God, my God!  Why have You forsaken us?
 
Tonight, when then only prayer that comes to mind is Lord, have mercy, I find - unsurprisingly - that a song expresses it so much better than I can.  Another night I will be able to be positive again.  I know I will.  But tonight, in this time when I look around and see so many people hurting, I pray that our great God, Who is clothed with strength and majesty, will be small enough that we can feel Him. 
 
 

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for expressing what I cannot. I love you all so much, and am so sorry for the pain enveloping your heart. For a while I was able to hold the tears in, mourn silently and quietly, but between Dcn Shannon (who I didn't really know but I love people who love him), my friend's mom and cousin's mom it's just too much.

    Sometimes it helps to sing my dad's easter song-

    When this world overwhelms me
    And the light fades from my eyes
    There's no peace within my soul
    And I find my heart is cold as ice

    But on this Easter morning,
    this holiest of days
    I feel the peace returning
    Like a wind across the waves
    And my heart begins to glow
    With what you and I both know

    Jesus Christ is Risen from the dead
    Alleluia, Alleluia
    He has won destroying death by death
    Alleluia, Alleluia
    And a lowly man like me
    Can fly with wings as eagles
    And taste the victory of life forever more
    Jesus Christ has risen from the dead
    Alleluia!!

    Love you, Steph. Wish we lived closer so I could give you a big hug in person, but I'm afraid this will have to do. (((((HUGS)))))

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