The Judgement to Love

Every once in a while we hear the same message over and over and over again.  The first time we hear it we may think about it for a bit, nod our heads at what we see as the "value" of the lesson, and then move on.  The second time we hear it we focus on it a little more as we think, Sheesh.  Maybe I should pay a bit more attention to this.  After all, I've heard it twice now.  The third time we hear it we figure we've heard it already so yeah, we drop a minute or so of our time on it and then move on, comfortable in the knowledge that we've done our duty and thought about this oh-so-important message for as long as we needed.  If we hear it again after that we tend to feel annoyed - or at least I do - and the message becomes a burden.  Seriously? we wonder.  Again?  Well I'm not wasting anymore of my time on this junk.  I know it already.  If we hear it anymore we ignore it.  Haven't we already wasted enough of our time on it?  We ignore not only the message, but the uncomfortable feeling that maybe we really should spend pay more attention to it.

I've found myself in this cycle lately.  In so many places I've heard this message: Don't judge.

It comes up in many different contexts.  I've heard it in a sermon at church.  I've heard it from a friend telling me a story.  I've heard it from a visiting monk speaking about his beloved monastery at Mt. Sinai.  I've heard from the parents of children I work with.  I've seen it played out on TV.  Just today I heard it from my dad.  The words may be different but the underlying message is the same: Don't judge.

I went through the "message cycle" and finally realized I couldn't just continue to ignore it.  Now let me be frank here: It's never comfortable to take a true look in the mirror.  At least it's never comfortable for me.  I'm too worried that I won't like what I see.  And if I pay attention to this message of not judging I'm forced to confront myself.  Am I judgemental? 

I don't know if I am brave enough answer that question.

So, instead of answering I decided to skip that part all together.  Really healthy, I know.  Instead of dwelling on whether or not I am an incredibly judgemental person I've decided to act as though I am.  (Do you see how this saves me?  I can keep hoping that I'm not...)  I've thought about all the times in the past I've heard people talking about judgements.  I've thought about conversations I've had with my priest about judging.  I've dwelled on this a lot lately.  And I've realized the response to judgement has been in front of me all along.

Love.

I'm not talking about love in the sense of the gooey, happy feeling we get when we see those we care about.  I'm talking about the choice we make to act in love.  I'm talking about the choice to be kind and loving even though it may unpopular, or that guy really might be frustrating.  Some people call it Agape.  Some people call it "doing the right thing."  It's the same thing: Love. 

It can be hard to love.  We love our families and our friends, but we have a hard time loving the neighbor downstairs who causes a fuss about the parking situation.  We easily love some of our colleagues but just can't stand that new guy who thinks he's so great when really he just gets on everybody's nerves.

I spoke with my priest about this a few years ago, and what he said to me comes up often in my mind.  He told me two thing: 1)When you make a judgement say a prayer for that person, and 2) The cycle has to stop somewhere.

So often we feel judged, or are judged, by a person and in response we turn around and think poorly of someone else.  Or we feel that we need to be better than everyone else, so we think the worst of them.  I am struck by a story Fr. Pavlov (the visiting monk from Mt. Sinai) told:

      There were two monks in their monastery.  When the heiromonk entered the room of one he found it to be extremely messy.  Instead of judging he thought to himself, Wow.  This monk spends so much of his time in prayer and in the pursuit of the spiritual life that he has no time left for cleaning his room.  He moved on to the next monk's room.  He found it to be spotlessly clean.  This time he thought, Amazing.  Just as his spiritual life is clean and clear, so is this monk's physical space.  He judged neither man.  We, in this day and age, in our ignorance, would judge both. 

I was struck most by the end of the story: ...in our ignorance, [we] would judge both.  I know I would.  But this would be a perfect chance for me to use the advice I was given.  Choose to love by saying a prayer.  Sometimes we are given insight to a situation, and it could be horrible.  But rather than using that insight to judge, I hope to (and I have been told I need to) use it for love: pray, and if necessary, act.

And I need to try to end the cycle, at least in my life.  I can't control what others do, but I can love them, and try not to judge them.  And I think I will be able to find some peace there.  As my dad told me this morning, if I'm the one responsible for deciding who is right or wrong, or for deciding who goes to heaven or hell, no one will make it, not even myself.  Because my own standards and judgements (that are quite possibly incorrect) will get in the way of grace.  I can relax a bit, knowing it isn't up to me to do anything about it but choose to love.  And so I will make the effort to make the judgement of love. 

And maybe someday I can look in the mirror without fear.  Maybe.

1 Corinthians 13:1