Oops...

Wow...I think I can officially say I failed miserably at my initial attempt at Project 365.  It should have been called Project 7.  It lasted a week.  Neat.

I'm going back and forth here between embarrassment, disappointment, and feelings of "whatever."  Excuses come up quickly: I have a lot going on right now.  I'm tired.  I worked a lot, give me a break!  I have to write reports for work (ugh).  Who said I have to write every, stinking day anyway??

Well...I did.  I set a goal for myself and after a week I failed.  I'm sure there are plenty of reasons why, but one stands out boldly in my mind: I dropped the ball.  It's pretty straightforward, really.  I set out to accomplish something and I just didn't do it.  My path became a bit difficult so I turned and followed another path.  I find myself now staring at my original path with mixed emotions.  I want so badly to turn back and begin walking again, but I am afraid I will fail again, and - even worse -  I am embarrassed that I failed in the first place.  It's easier just to not try, so we don't have to deal with the fallout of failure.

Easier, yes.  Better?  Absolutely not.  The thing that made me get back on the writing horse is this: Grace.  This word has been flitting back and forth in my mind since I realized I had skipped a day of Project 365.

Now, there are many definitions of grace, but I am struck by one: mercy, clemency, pardon...Forgiveness.  If I believe I need to show myself a little grace does it necessarily follow that I need to forgive myself?  I believe the answer is simple: Yes. 

Simple in theory, not in practice.  It is difficult enough to take an honest look in the mirror and say, "I screwed up," whether that screw up is a big deal or a small.  Often we prefer to go along our merry way and avoid any reflection we may pass.  A friend is hurt by us?  Well, we jump to the defensive, and announce the friend is wrong, too - more wrong than I could ever be!  Someone holds up a mirror to us and we avert our gaze.  We hate having to look in the mirror and see the flaws.  We think we are uglier with our flaws and hate to face them.

The thing I am beginning to discover is this: When we face our flaws, our mistakes, and pour the ointment of grace over them, we become lovely.  The scars and hurts don't disappear.  They instead morph into beauty - beauty of experience, wisdom, and most of all forgiveness.

Forgiveness is an act of love.  It's true - whether we like the person or not, forgiveness takes love.  Love the verb, not the noun...Love the choice, not the feeling.  And, as C.S. Lewis says, once we learn to love our neighbor as ourselves we can begin to love ourselves as our neighbor.  This is a concept that is, I think, difficult for most people to understand.  Oh, I think we get it abstractly.  We can analyze and discuss as much as we like, but until we look in the mirror and see our flaws as clearly as we can see the flaws of others we can't give ourselves grace or forgiveness.  And this grace is a choice. 

And so, I am choosing to look in the mirror and realize I am human - with all my mistakes, my flaws, my dropping of the ball.  I am choosing to love myself and show myself a little grace and forgiveness.  And I am beautiful.